Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
