Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
