i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
