He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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