I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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