I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize