He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
