Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i now understand why vodka
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
