So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
