Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
