I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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