you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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