I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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