Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
