I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
