I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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