Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
