i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
