the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We are two peas in an std pod
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
