i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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