My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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