Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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