I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
