Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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