the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize