The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
