he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
