If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
