How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
