At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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