there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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