He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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