i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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