I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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