At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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