he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
