Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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