Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
