She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
