I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's the barista slut.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
