I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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