I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
