I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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