i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize