Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize