she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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