It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize