I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my being single is dangerous.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
