Me. At least after what I've been through.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
