Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
