I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
