there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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