So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
