i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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