I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize