I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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