I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
