Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
