I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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