Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
