im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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