I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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