Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
