I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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