so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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