Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
