i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
