Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
